explikate

On Moral High Grounds

Until I had a baby, I used to secretly scoff at people who said that being a parent was the hardest job in the world. I worked on my feet, ten or twelve hour shifts, five or six days a week. Surely hanging out with a baby couldn’t be that challenging.

I still don’t think being a mom is necessarily the most difficult job in the world; after all, there are plenty of jobs I haven’t worked. I’m sure that say, air traffic controllers and brain surgeons have a lot of pressure on them. But it’s certainly the hardest job I’ve ever had. I used to complain about the hours I had to put in, but that’s nothing compared to the round-the-clock job responsibilities I have now. The truth is I made my past jobs a lot harder than they needed to be with my relentless perfectionism and inability to delegate and let things go. I might have relaxed and had a little more fun with it if I would have known what lay ahead.

Eating Dairy-Free Is A Piece Of Cake (Or Bread)

For the first two months of my daughter’s life, we had one miserable baby on our hands. She barely slept, and when she wasn’t nursing, she was gassy and screaming all the time. She was quickly diagnosed with reflux, but while the medicine seemed to ease some of her discomfort, she was still profoundly unhappy. On the recommendation of a lactation counselor, I totally cut dairy out of my life. Within two weeks, Eisley’s gassiness and pain were a thing of the past. She was a calmer, mellower, and most importantly, happier baby.

She’s four months old now, and I have maintained my rigorous dairy-free lifestyle, and will do so for as long as she continues to nurse. It’s a little hard. I miss cheese like a long-lost friend, and I get a little resentful whenever Blue Bell ice cream goes on sale. But my daughter’s happiness and health is more important to me than even the sharpest cheddar cheese.

Sweater Pig

I hope for a lot of things for my daughter. I hope she grows up strong and healthy and wise. I hope she gets exposed to all different aspects of the world. I hope she travels. I hope she absorbs culture voraciously, through books and music. I hope she watches less TV than I do. I hope she realizes earlier in life than I did that vegetables are actually pretty fricking tasty. I hope she has a great sense of self. I hope she’s passionate about things and doesn’t let complacency stand in her way. I hope she understands that she’s being born into advantages that a lot of people don’t have, and it’s what she does with these advantages that will shape her into adulthood. I hope whatever she believes in, she has the courage to do the right thing. Even if the thing she is trying to protect is a sweater pig.

Space Cats

While Eisley will be our first biological child when she arrives, anyone who has spent more than five minutes with me or Fred knows we already have three children. To many people, they will resemble cats, but they are our babies, and we treat them accordingly.

Ambien Noise

My husband is a pretty funny guy when he’s awake, but he is hilarious when he’s asleep.

I learned pretty early in our relationship that once Fred is out, he is a nonstop font of comedy gold. We had been together for all of a month before we up and decided to move to Florida together. We drove down from Maine, where I had spent the summer, staying with friends and family along the way. Due to some horrendous DC traffic we wound up stranded in Virginia overnight at a cheap motel. As I watched the staticky TV and tried not to touch any more of the bedding than was strictly necessary, Fred rolled over, lurched upright like a breaching whale and beamed at me.

What A Chore

I move in some feminist circles (mostly online), and I still hear all the time about men who aren’t pulling their weight at home. Even in dual-income families, the female partner is often the one doing the cooking and housecleaning and laundry at home, on top of bringing home her equitable share of the bacon.

Scam I Am

People always say I’m such a nice girl. I’m not really. I’m charming when I want to be, and people take that the way they want it. Maybe they view me through society’s nice girl prism. Whatever. It works for me.

I’m not trying to say that I’m a bad person or anything. I’m not. I am genuinely moved by the plights of other people. I have empathy. I’m trying to eliminate gendered and ableist insults from my language. When I waited tables, I reported all my cash tips to the IRS. And this does come out of a good place; I genuinely don’t want to make the world worse. But really, I just enjoy having the moral high ground, and if I behave, that makes it easier for me to have it.

Mall Walking

I have a really terrible memory, which is unfortunate for my Future Daughter. I’m sure if I could think back that far, I’d remember being a really mature and responsible teenager, always aware of my surroundings, and in control of any given situation. However, since I have only the vaguest recollection of my times as a teenager, and ages like 13 sound so very young, I’m afraid my daughter won’t be allowed out of the house until it’s time for college.

Kangaroo Bedtime

When I was a toddler, my parents would put me down in my crib at night. I’d stay put for about two minutes, then climb up over the side and scamper down the stairs to watch TV with my dad, who is also a night owl. My parents put up a baby gate, but I climbed over it; mere obstacles could not detain me! My parents didn’t want to close the door on me, so they tried stacking multiple baby gates. I scaled those bad boys like a non-electrified fence at minimum security prison, and almost beat my dad downstairs.

The Cold War

My husband and I are one of those annoying couples who never really fight. We don’t go to the other end of the spectrum either; we’re not constantly macking in public and engaging in over-the-top displays of public affection. We’re kind of like two platonic buddies who get along well enough to share bills and sleep in the same bed and make a baby together. It’s great, because I didn’t know relationships like this existed.